“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” Isaiah 49:15 (NIV)
A few weeks ago I came home from dinner to find my beloved Yorkshire Terrier, Zoey, had passed away. She was thirteen years old and weighed all of five pounds. When she was younger, she went everywhere with me. She flew in planes (in cabin), traveled by motorhome, stayed in hotels, went shopping, and I carried her into restaurants in her travel bag. As she got older, she became more nervous, so she traveled only if we went somewhere in the motorhome, which was quite often. My nickname for her was Baby Girl.
Dogs never live long enough. I know this has the potential to sound offensive, but I’ve had this same conversation with God, so He knows my heart behind this comment. I think that the faithfulness of a dog is a small sample of the character of God. Loyal and faithful, and always, always happy to see me. They stick with you through thick and thin and, even if you speak harshly to them, they try to comfort you and cheer you up. They always want to be around you no matter where you go—outside, especially the kitchen, and always the bathroom. Their life is all about you.
I have another five-pound dog, Zeek. He’s nine years old, and the only companion he’s ever known was Zoey. She was the talker who looked out for the two of them by asking for treats, indicating when they needed water, or wanted to go outside. Zeek is quieter than usual, so I’m spending extra time with him. We miss Baby Girl.
This house is getting emptier than this heart can take.
Just recently my sister and I signed a Do Not Resuscitate for my mother. Mom is so tiny now. Should she need CPR, one compression would snap through her chest wall and ribs. I don’t want them doing that to her. We find ourselves gravitating toward end-of-life conversations about my mom. My heart is heavy watching her slowly deteriorate. Her quality of life is poor, and I hate watching her merely exist. She wants to see her Jesus, and I want her to be dancing on streets of gold.
I know I won’t be able to escape the regrets. I have them with my husband and even with Zoey, so despite my lack of relationship with my mom, I know in my heart I will have regrets with her, too. They won’t be the same as the regrets I have regarding my faithful pup who wanted nothing more than to be with me and make me happy, and yet I fell way short as a dog mom.
They’ll be different from the regrets I have concerning my husband. This was a relationship of figuring out life together. Making mistakes and celebrating victories. Raising kids and paying bills. Starting a business and handling the curve balls of life.
When it comes to my mom, I know what some of those regrets will be because they are my regrets now. It will be about all the missed opportunities. Wondering why my attempts never overcame her walls. Questioning if I have made my best attempts over the past 50+ years. Was there anything left for me to try? Would anything have finally made the breakthrough that my heart has deeply hoped for?
I’m overwhelmed with a heaviness that is hard to escape. We get one shot here, and this one shot is about relationship and how well we do it. Yet we’re far from perfect. To make matters more complicated, the “perfect” we define can be different from the “perfect” of those we’re trying to be perfect to/for. We think we’re giving our best, but they’re not receiving our efforts with the same value system.
I need a minute. A few minutes. Maybe a little while. I want to sit down in the middle of my brokenness. Fully accept that I do not nor will I ever have all the answers. I don’t have it all figured out, and control has proven to be an illusion.
Will you sit with me? I’d like to think I’m not alone. Are you drowning in anything? Do you feel unworthy or disqualified? Is your heart battered and your mind exhausted because you’re carrying the weight of the world? Have you grabbed up something God never intended for you to carry?
We don’t have to sing louder, dance faster, or laugh harder to hide our insecurities. Wonder Woman is a cartoon. It’s okay to be insecure.
Let’s do this together. Join me as I say out loud, “It’s okay to not have all the answers. Normal is not having it all figured out. Learning our way through life is reality. It’s a beautiful thing to have a teachable heart and admit I don’t know what to do in this/that situation.”
Whether it’s hitting more of the good marks in marriage than the bad or completely missing the mark with my mom, I return to the safety of the One who knows my voice and calls me His own. As His daughter, He offers me His unending grace and new mercies every morning. One breath from Him and all my failures disappear. He loves me simply because I’m His.
He sees my imperfections as the beautiful place where He can meet me and love on me with His grace and mercy. He can teach me His wisdom about this life and show me how to do relationship with love and truth. Oh, sweet friend can you see the beauty of imperfection?
His love for me doesn’t condemn me when I fail miserably. He picks me up, puts strands of my hair back in place, dries my tears, and kisses my cheeks. His love is the cheerleader Who encourages me and whispers that I will do better tomorrow. It calls me to have a teachable heart, a curious heart, a humble heart.
Now LIVE LOVED and THRIVE!
These questions are in no way a substitute for healthcare professionals or any level of professional counseling. I’m an advocate for taking care of oneself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These questions reflect my heart, NOT my profession.
This questionnaire is an opportunity to journal your thoughts and feelings. It can serve as a launching pad on which to evaluate your heart condition as you understand it. My hope is that you will take what you discover and hold it up to the Light to evaluate it against who God says you are.
- What are you beating yourself up about today?
- Regarding your answer to the above question, what does your thought life sound like?
- Are you agreeing with the negativity, or are you keeping it in check by speaking the truth over your thought life?
- Would you say those same negative things to your friend? Or another girl your age?
- Would you agree that the negative things you think/feel are an attack on your mind and heart?
- What do you think it would feel like if you sat in your brokenness?
Use God’s word to take control over traumas in your life. Whenever you feel terrorized by your thoughts, take them captive by replacing them with the truth of God’s promises found in His word.
Print, then cut and carry this Scripture with you and/or post it in places where you will see it often. Ground yourself in God’s truths not Satan’s attacks. Encourage your heart and mind every time you are reminded of His great love for YOU!
Here is what God’s word says to encourage you and to give you an example of His unfailing, relentless, unending love for you:
“As surely as my new heavens and earth will remain, so will you always be my people, with a name that will never disappear,” says the Lord.—Isaiah 66:22
When you read God’s Word say to yourself: God has prepared a new heaven and earth for all His children. My soul will move from here to there, and I will live with God forever.
Now LIVE LOVED and THRIVE!
