I had the chance to share my message (of who God is when it comes to pain and suffering) with the women’s ministry at a local church. Even though I get super nervous I so love the warmth and kindness that I receive. It encourages my heart for the journey ahead.
I wanted to share my message with you so that I might encourage your heart too. This is not exclusive to those who have lost a loved one. It’s for any of us who have lost that which is precious to us or anything that we’ve attached expectations to.
After you read what I shared, I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Share your experience to help me expand my understanding. After all, sorrow looks different on each one of us and I’d love to hear what you have to share.
Note: It was a 10 minute message so it is probably a 10 minute read. I have put headings on the different sections so you can skip through if you’d like.
Much love to you sweet woman!
The Good God
Have you ever struggled with making sense of pain and suffering and the good God we profess? Maybe you’ve been in a place where you asked God, “Where are You? Do You even care? Why me?
I know I have because I’m processing the most painful season of my life after unexpectedly losing Larry, my husband of 32 years.
Sweet Spot
We married at 21, bought a house, and waited to have children. When we did, we chased all the activities that two boys are interested in.
We even started a business that our boys still run to this day. We weathered the adjustments of marriage and all the stressors that it takes to blend two independent people as one flesh and heading in the same direction in union. We experienced a fracture in the marriage and watched God restore us to Him and our marriage.
We were walking strong with the Lord and discovering His heart for marriage. It was such a wonderful feeling of having made it through all the difficult seasons. As we reflected on our triumph, we looked forward to our future years of celebrating.
Such a sweet, sweet spot. And then he was gone. Gone.
The Day Of
It was a beautiful day in February 2018. No snow or ice. We kissed as he left for work. Told each other, I love you, have a great day, and see you later on.
Everything seemed fine.
I spoke with him twice that morning. Once at around 10am when he told me he didn’t feel good and that he was going to try and eat something. I spoke with him again around 11am. He said he wasn’t feeling any better and that he was headed home. I told him I had one more stop and then I’d swing by the grocery store to get some ginger ale, crackers, and soup for him.
I would see him by noon, but it would not be to ask him what happened and let him know it was going to be all right. It would be to identify him and to slip my hand into his lukewarm hand and feel it grow cold.
What About You
While I search God’s heart for what He has to say about pain and suffering, I have come to understand that there are many types of deaths. And some things worse than death, such as a vegetative state, traumatic brain injuries, Alzheimer’s. You lose your loved one long before you lose them physically.
What have you lost that was of great value to you … has it, like me, been a loved one? Maybe you’ve lost your peace, a dream, a job, a home. Have you ever had to say goodbye to a friendship or grieve a broken marriage vow?
Whenever we’re separated from that which we hold dear, there is a grieving process or at least there should be. If not, the pain will wait for you. In the meantime, it will show up in other ways or in other areas of your life, such as fear, anxiety, lack of trust, depression, offense, bitterness, addiction. However the pain manifests, we often create a survival skill to keep from feeling it.
Regrets
When Larry said he was headed home, I didn’t know he meant heaven.
Why didn’t I ask more questions? Why didn’t I pick up on something … anything? I had the opportunity right in front of me, and I missed it. It slipped through my hands, and I will never get it back.
The would’ves, should’ves, could’ves have to be one of the cruellest weapons used against us by our enemy. Regrets have the potential to eat you alive from the inside out.
I struggled with my regrets through the lens of what a good wife could’ve, would’ve, should’ve done.
I repeatedly asked the Lord, why didn’t You let me pick up on what was going on? Why didn’t You give me a heads up, help me connect things and take action? I could have gotten him to the hospital, and he would still be alive. I would still have my life intact. My expectations would still be satisfied, and I would have the life I wanted.
I heard God’s Fatherly voice, firm and gentle, pierce my darkness, “Sherrie, some things simply belong to Me.”
An all-knowing, all-seeing God has the answer to my question, right? But my Father who knows me knew that no matter what answer He gave me, I would only double down because anything short of having my husband back would not satisfy.
Wrestle Well
It’s important that we wrestle well with God when it comes to the pain of this life, because reality is that someone’s chemo is making them puke and their hair is coming out in clumps. Someone is welcoming a baby who they will only hold for a few minutes, a few hours, or a few years. And someone is letting go of a cold hand and closing a casket whether it be that of a loved one or a dream.
But it is equally true that someone is welcoming a healthy baby who will live well into their senior years. Someone is lacing fingers with another, taking their hand in marriage, and it will last until death do us part. Someone is ringing the cancer-free bell. And someone is receiving the miracle, the break of a lifetime that they’ve been praying desperately for.
Helpless meets Sovereignty
Don’t rush the struggling well with the good God we profess, but don’t miss the opportunity for the healing to begin.
When the realization that we are helpless to change our situation collides with our good God’s sovereignty, our response should be submission.
Submission may sound like a weak word, but, I assure you, with God it is quite the opposite. When I had to acknowledge that control is simply an illusion, when I submitted my hurt to the Healer who is in control, my healing began.
Our Pain has Purpose
No one can ease the pain that I feel being separated from my husband. The good God of the Holy Bible wastes nothing. In Him everything has purpose. This pain is still the goodness and kindness of God.
For me, it is a small glimpse, a dim shadow of the pain we’ll feel if we were to be separated from God for an eternity. Our good God has given us a glimpse of this pain with the hope that we will choose Him as our Savior and make Him the Lord of our lives.
Grief, WHY, and a Reunion
Grief comes in waves, and God heals in layers. In the moments when I am pulled under the water and into the abyss of the emotional ocean, God is there speaking beautiful things in the dark.
I remember being exhausted by my anxiety and begging for an answer to my question of WHY He did not stop Larry’s death. You’re God, I said. You could have stopped this, given us more time.
Firm and kind, God’s voice pierced that void with His gentleness, “No Sherrie, I did not stop Larry’s death nor did I raise my hand to stop the death of My only Son so that you too can have your loved one back again.”
The good God I professed has already gone ahead of me and provided a reunion despite the fact that the reality of this life is that we are separated by death.
Separated
What is something that you hold dear that you have been separated from? What is something you had expectations attached to that were not fulfilled? After all, we’re a people of expectation.
Was it stripped away from you through no fault of your own? Something you never asked for or had any control over?
Did your spouse walk out, or is he a terror to live with? Have you lost a physical ability? Is your child living a lifestyle that just crushes your heart? Has a measure of your independence been taken from you? Maybe you’ve let a dream die thinking it’s too late.
With all that has changed just in the last year, what have you been separated from, said goodbye to? More importantly did you take time to grieve?
God Promises to be with Us
In the midst of the pain and suffering of this life and despite how painful something can be, God never leaves us and is present in it. Not that He always approves of the way we humans use our gift of choice, but He’s present because He said nothing will separate us from Him. He’s certainly not going to let you go through this alone.
I have heard it said many times that God will never give you more than you can bear, but, if I’m honest, that gives me no comfort. What encourages my heart is that God never allows anything that He does not plan to redeem.
God has a plan for the pain that we experience. Be it in the here and now when we’re separated from that which we hold dear or the pain we’d feel if we were separated from Him eternally. He gives us His Son. The Man who was despised and rejected— a Man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief.
This life is not void of suffering, but God pierces it with His presence and His beauty.
When you let God heal you, when you turn around and share your story of who God is in your pain and suffering, you take part in your own redemption story.
Keep the eyes of your heart on God, because no matter what this life throws at you, tries to label you with, or strips you of, He’s writing a much bigger love story with you as the individual He created you to be.
In the midst of my pain and suffering and wrestling well with God, it is well with my soul. And it will be well with your soul, too, because the good God we profess speaks beautiful things in the dark.
Live Loved and THRIVE!
Self-Reflection
These questions are in no way a substitute for healthcare professionals or any level of professional counseling. I’m an advocate for taking care of oneself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These questions reflect my heart, NOT my profession.
This questionnaire is an opportunity to journal your thoughts and feelings. It can serve as a launching pad on which to evaluate your heart condition as you understand it. My hope is that you will take the truths you discover about yourself and hold them up to the Light to evaluate them against who God says you are.
- What have you lost that was near and dear to your heart?
- Did you take the time to grieve?
- Are you still grieving?
- Have you felt God’s presence? In what way?
- What is a why question you had for God?
- Do you feel like He answered that question? Why or why not?
- Can you trust God with your pain? Give examples and scripture to your answer.
- What does Romans 8:38-39 reveal to you about God’s promises for you?
- Do you believe Romans 8:38-39?
Take Action
Use God’s word to take control over the traumas in your life. Whenever you feel terrorized by your thoughts take them captive by replacing them with the truth of God’s promises in His word.
Here is a scripture for you to print, cut and carry with you and/or post in places where you will see it often. Ground yourself in God’s truths not Satan’s attacks. Encourage your heart and mind every time you are reminded of His great love for YOU!
Here is what God’s Word says about His unfailing, relentless, unending love for you:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39 NIV
Translation: There is nothing seen or unseen, known or unknown that will separate you from the Love of God!
