“Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.”—Psalm 17:8 NIV
Haven’t we heard at one time or another that we all have lessons to learn and, if we don’t learn those lessons, then we’ll continue to repeat the experiences, getting the same results over and over. In short, that’s what Henry Ford said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”
In my years between high school and getting married, I applied this line of thinking to my relationships. I thought it meant I needed to get smarter about choosing people to hang around with or date.
I thought I had the ability to decrease my level of disappointment and raise my level of happiness. I simply needed to be keener on identifying the habits and traits of other people. This would enable me to quickly identify the telltale signs of “deal-breaker” behaviors, and I could immediately steer clear.
While there is great wisdom in heeding the red flags others display, I came to realize it wasn’t the other person’s habits or tendencies that needed my attention. Now, granted, every once in a blue moon someone straight up pulls the wool over your eyes no matter what guards we’ve put in place. But I have learned there is a better indicator that will keep me safe. It is more important for me to identify my own habits and tendencies.
This may not be true for everyone across the board, but my value system was created by my family of origin. The mom and dad who raised me also shaped my self-perception and my perception of the world around me.
Right away, I was at a disadvantage. Then again, who among us has had the perfect set-up? The best way to describe my childhood is that I never had anywhere solid to rest my feet. Not that we were transient by any means, but the ever-changing mental games played every day failed to provide stability I needed.
I’m older now, and I understand you don’t always get people like you want them; sometimes you just have to meet them where they are. In other cases, you must love from a distance. We should be striving to maintain healthy relationships where truth is valued and seen as an extension of love.
One of the things I discovered about myself as a young woman was that I lacked trust. Naturally, my lack of trust translated to my shouldering the burden of protecting myself (or at least how I defined protection).
Every time I see a Facebook gif about a person who will not tolerate any disrespect because they respect themselves, I wish they realized that attitude actually results in living a life of disrespect—not just from others but from themselves, because the core of disrespect is how we perceive ourselves. It determines what we agree to and allow in our lives.
If I believe my standard for love (or any relationship) is high but never ask anyone to meet that expectation, I’m the one guilty of disrespecting myself. I didn’t speak up because I was afraid of what a perspective boyfriend might think. I didn’t require any sort of substance from him, because I wasn’t truly being myself; I pretended to be someone I thought he’d like better.
If I enter into a relationship and allow someone to treat me like an object, just an option, never speaking out … or, if I convey an objection that is not heeded, and I continue on with the relationship without the required changes … I have disrespected myself. Shame on me for allowing someone else to disrespect me, as well.
We begin putting self-protection strategies into practice when we don’t allow people to get too close to us. The weird thing is that sometimes we don’t even know that’s what we’re doing. Conscious of it or not, anytime we are not honest with someone, we put distance between us.
I will never be able to authentically connect with other people if I am not being myself. Yes, we act differently depending on the the category of relationship and whether or not we know it’s safe to be ourselves, but—for a real connection—we must be who we truly are when pursuing relationship.
We all demand honesty from others. No one wants to invest in a cashmere sweater only to find out it’s a polyester tri-blend of sorts! Even liars hate liars.
Older now, my experience alone makes me wiser, but there are still slippery slopes where I’m reminded of those weak areas. I try to catch myself when I realize I’m portraying a “false” me, because I’m afraid of what others might truly think if they found out about my bad decisions or mistakes. I feel sure they’d prefer someone else’s company.
Then I remember that no one can make me angry and no one can disrespect me. No one can hurt me and no one can make me feel unloved. Unless they hit on something in me that is already a tender spot. Some lie I believe even when I try desperately to hide it. If they hit my insecure places, my response will either confirm or reject their assumptions.
Isn’t it a relief to know no one has that kind of power over you? They come to you with their brokenness, and they throw out their jagged words, but they have no power unless we validate them.
If we know who God says we are, we will never be overwhelmed by our past. If we walk in the love of God, then our mistakes are a place for Him to reveal His strength.
You will know if you have ever met the love of God, if you’ve ever experienced the redeeming all-consuming love of God, because you will never be the same.
When you do, you will learn to love people despite their humanness. No one will be able to offend you, and there is a beautiful peace that saturates your every day.
You can let people be who they are, and you can still love them. You will be able to see them for who they are and put the appropriate boundaries in place. When you help them or lend them your ear, you’ll do so because you understand your significance … not because someone is manipulating you.
You won’t feel confused about relationships, because you have clear understanding of your worth. When someone is lying to you and treating you wrongly, you can have patience with them as you see their lack of self-love.
Most powerfully, once you grasp your true value, you won’t agree to anything that is less than what the King has planned for His daughters. All because you have experienced the overwhelming, unstoppable, lavish love of the King!
NOW LIVE LOVED and THRIVE!
Self-Reflection
These questions are in no way a substitute for healthcare professionals or any level of professional counseling. I’m an advocate for taking care of oneself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These questions reflect my heart, NOT my profession.
This questionnaire is an opportunity to journal your thoughts and feelings. It can serve as a launching pad on which to evaluate your heart condition as you understand it. My hope is that you will take the truths you discover about yourself and hold them up to the Light to evaluate them against who God says you are.
- Do you feel uncomfortable in your own skin? If so, what is the lie you believe?
- Do you feel the need to protect yourself?
- What is your little white lie that you tell yourself or others that helps you protect yourself?
- Are you able to trust God to protect you? Why or why not?
- What do you need from God in order to trust Him more?
- What areas of your life are you keeping from God (the areas you don’t want to talk about or acknowledge)? Why?
Talk to God about your answers. Give Him praise, ask Him questions and then listen for His gentle response.
Take Action
Use God’s word to take control over the traumas in your life. Whenever you feel terrorized by your thoughts take them captive by replacing them with the truth of God’s promises in His word.
Here is a scripture for you to print, cut and carry with you and/or post in places where you will see it often. Ground yourself in God’s truths not Satan’s attacks. Encourage your heart and mind every time you are reminded of His great love for YOU!
Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings.—Psalm 17:8 NIV
When you read God’s word say to yourself: I am the apple of God’s eye. He adores me and His presence surrounds me. When times are tough, He will hide me in the shadow of His wings, so that I can find rest and receive His restoration.
