“When he had consulted with the people, he appointed those who sang to the Lord and those who praised Him in holy attire, as they went out before the army and said, “Give thanks to the Lord, for His loving kindness is everlasting.”—2 Chronicles 20:21 NIV
In my private time recently, the Lord downloaded some clarity for me—just a sweet revelation that brought insight to a scripture I have wondered about on and off for some time. While I was worshiping Him with praise music, the phrase “worship is my warfare” caught my attention. He was taking me deeper into the power of worship.
August 21 marked exactly a year and a half since I lost my husband. The best description of the first year is that it was a complete blur. I know I was present, but I’m unable to recall a majority of events, conversations, or many details. That year was mostly filled with grief and reflection on the life my husband and I had shared for almost 34 years and what it now means to be without him.
The last six months still find me in reflection or trying to navigate my way through my new normal, but I have made some progress. In the first few days and months, I didn’t have the strength to say anything. I didn’t go to church. I wasn’t praying for myself, and I certainly wasn’t offering up prayers for others. I felt like I was, at times, curled up in His lap, His Fatherly wings covering me. At others times I felt as though I was draped across His shoulders.
My numb heart simply could not think of anything to say. Not a single syllable would bring my husband back. My husband’s death did not take God by surprise, so I had to face the fact that my good God had predetermined that day as my husband’s last one with me. It had been such an ordinary day—no black clouds hanging overhead or feeling of impending doom.
We had our last conversation around 11am. He didn’t feel well, and he was leaving work to come home. I had to stop by the office, but I’d be home after a quick trip to the grocery store to buy soup, ginger ale, and crackers, in case his appetite returned. One hour later … he would be gone.
Sometimes God protects us, and other times He allows our enemy to take a swing at us. Death feels like a direct hit from the enemy. It feels evil and cruel mainly because of the devastation it causes (namely the separation of relationship) and that’s most certainly not my God. If anything, He’s THE God of relationship.
Had I been set up by Satan or set up by God? Good and bad happen in this life. I’ve never known Satan to pass up an opportunity to capitalize on an offense. He loves when life happens and we choose not to point our finger at the culprit (Satan) but instead immediately blame God.
My wounded heart was ripe for offense—wait, let me be more accurate … My wounded heart was offended and saturated with pain. But it makes no sense to point the finger at the one who provided a remedy to death and loss of relationship. If Satan had set me up, he would have made sure he separated me from God.
Many Christians view this world as a playground rather than a battlefield.” (A.W. Tozer)
If, on the other hand, I’m set up by God, then the stage has been set to experience Him on an entirely different level of understanding and revelation. I can watch Him restore what has been lost … such as my hope, peace, confidence, and knowing that He will reestablish our relationship on His side of glory. I get to experience Him healing my wounded heart and replacing my pain with His joy. I can experience His tender care for me when I don’t have the strength nor the desire to care for myself. I can see Him provide solutions for problems I didn’t even know were coming my way.
All in all, I haven’t discovered a better option to defeating death other than God sending His Son Jesus. If we’re set up by God, then He will have the last say-so … and it will be good. It will be to His glory and our benefit.
The one thing I did have the strength to do was to play my worship music. Every time I turned it on, I felt peaceful and I could breathe. I would mouth the words when my voice wouldn’t participate. And when my voice was weak and dry, I’d sing through tears.
I don’t know how to describe what that did for me. Complete submission combined with my worship felt like my fractured soul was being bound up in a strong, loving presence. I’m at a loss to describe it any other way. And then I remembered the Word says God inhabits our praise. We get His very presence when we worship.
I had been set up. For one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I feel progress and now consider myself to be leaning against God’s shoulder.
Even though I don’t see myself in a standing position, I have noticed that, no matter the posture be it draped, reclined, or standing, God shows up in His love, power, mercy, grace, strength, provision, comfort, presence, etc.
There is no weakness in Him. With God every posture is powerful. Isn’t it good to know it doesn’t depend on us? Only Him.
Whether you’ve draped yourself across God’s shoulders, are reclining against His shoulders, or are standing on His shoulders, it is His love that will sustain us, heal us, and give us perseverance for the victory.
I have experienced the kindness of God even in my tragedy. And in my most honest moments with Him, when I’m asking why He didn’t stop my husband’s death, why me, and why this … I remember that a good Father puts His children first. I recall that this Father didn’t lift His hand to stop the death of His one and only Son so that you and I could be reunited with our loved ones, too.
NOW LIVE LOVED and THRIVE!
Self-Reflection
These questions are in no way a substitute for healthcare professionals or any level of professional counseling. I’m an advocate for taking care of oneself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These questions reflect my heart, NOT my profession.
This questionnaire is an opportunity to journal your thoughts and feelings. It can serve as a launching pad on which to evaluate your heart condition as you understand it. My hope is that you will take the truths you discover about yourself and hold them up to the Light to evaluate them against who God says you are.
- Is there a loved one you want to be reunited with? Who is it? When/how did they leave you for heaven?
- Have you been quick to blame God for the evil of this world?
- Do you blame Him for the death of your loved one?
- Do you feel that God should do a better job with regard to keeping evil at bay?
- In reference to your biggest lessons in life, would you say you:
- 1) Were in a situation that gave you great joy when you learned something life changing? What was the situation and lesson?
- 2) Were under a great amount of stress when a better way to live was revealed to you? What was the circumstance and what did you learn?
Talk to God about your answers. Give Him praise, ask Him questions and then listen for His gentle response.
Take Action
Use God’s word to take control over the traumas in your life. Whenever you feel terrorized by your thoughts take them captive by replacing them with the truth of God’s promises in His word.
Here is a scripture for you to print, cut and carry with you and/or post in places where you will see it often. Ground yourself in God’s truths not Satan’s attacks. Encourage your heart and mind every time you are reminded of His great love for YOU!
When he had consulted with the people, he appointed those who sang to the Lord and those who praised Him in holy attire, as they went out before the army and said, “Give thanks to the Lord, for His loving kindness is everlasting.”—2 Chronicles 20:21 NIV
Read God’s word and say to yourself:
The posture of giving God my praise sets into motion His response to my heart of gratitude. Despite my circumstances, God is worthy to be praised because it is Him and Him alone who holds all things in His hand and He wastes nothing. If it is for our good, God will generously give it to us!
