Finish Line

“The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all.” Psalm 34:19 (NIV)

She’s gone. My unanswered prayers along with her. I had wanted something more than titles; I wanted a mother/daughter relationship that connected our hearts.

We say we’re free, but we’re really hostages even if it’s only to our bodies. Our souls never feel a day over 18, but, in all actuality, are in bondage to our aging bodies. We think we make our own rules, but we’ll still answer to death. It is a flash from our first inhale to our last exhale, and then we’re faced with eternity.

There are song lyrics that say, “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” The exhale that verified her departure was followed by an inhale that awakened her to the reality of things she had hoped for.

Many years ago, she told Jesus she believed He had died on the cross for her and that she wanted Him to live in her heart. She held onto His examples of love, faithfulness, and promises even when she had difficulty believing she was worth it.

I know some will ask how she could treat me the way she did if she was truly a woman of faith. I can’t answer that, because I can only make assumptions based on what I know about her life.

I’ve thought about a few of the major life events that could have shaped Mom. She lost her dad as a young teen. She got married at 20, quickly had three children, and struggled to keep her marriage together. In her early 30s, she lost her brother and, shortly thereafter, a beloved aunt passed, too. It wasn’t much longer before her mother passed away, and then my dad walked out on our family. Add in her breast cancer diagnosis, along with having no one left to help her walk out that scary scenario. All this in the short span of her 30s. It’s hard to trust people on a good day, much more so when you get heart punched over and over.

Maybe she was mad at God, although she never said anything like that. Maybe all the loss caused her to erect walls that no one was supposed to get through. Could she have felt like she’d never invest her heart in anyone else, especially her children, because it was just too painful to risk? Perhaps regret filled her mind and heart to the point that she was angry that everyone else seemed to have what she had wanted her whole life—a family and to feel loved. Could she have suffered a mental break brought on by stress she didn’t manage? Over the years I tried to talk with her to better understand, but I could never get her to open up. She would just say, “Leave it alone, Sherrie.”

Here’s what I am sure of … God knows the whole story. He has full knowledge of what I call “behind the scenes.” Only God can see the evil that has a death grip on us. He knows what we fear and why. He has intimate knowledge of the tragedies in our lives and the toll they have taken on us. He sees the stress we carry, and He knows the exact trigger that exacerbates our worries. He has a complete understanding that the enemy of our soul desires to kill us, steal from us, and destroy us.

God looks at the heart and not our actions. To Him, our actions are simply a physical manifestation of the condition of our hearts. He is constantly calling us to be restored to His original intention for us. He wants to heal our pain and bind up our wounds. If it matters to us, then it matters to Him.

We can accept His offer and enjoy His comfort, instruction, love, and forgiveness here and now, or we can accept His offer and fall into the void where we fail to walk in the fullness of what He has for us here. Either way His love for us never waivers.

But, oh, how perfect is the Father who prepares a place for us where we will receive our full healing, a way out of our bondage. We are decayed, broken, and not even in our right minds, but He sees none of that. He has a different value system, one that is not of this world. Rather than define us by our brokenness, He defines us through the lens of His Son. When God sees us, He looks through His Son Jesus; in turn we too must gaze upon the Son Jesus before we can see God clearly.

He doesn’t just trade us in or change us out for a refurbished model. We aren’t discarded onto the trash pile or slated for the recycle process, and we’re not the last one chosen to join the team. No, He passionately scoops us up, gives us new bodies, rewarding work to be done, and He reveals the secret name that He’s always had for us. Jesus gives us what He has prepared for us—new life. Abundantly. Everlasting.

But here, on this side of eternity, I’m still brokenhearted that she left this world with things yet undone. What about my prayer for us to have a wonderful mother/daughter relationship? The finality of not being able to discover the missing link and experience that with her here leaves a heavy blanket of sorrow.

I don’t know why she wouldn’t let me love her or get close to her. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why she rejected my gifts or was always so critical. Maybe I held on to the way I thought things should have been instead of looking at it from her viewpoint. Possibly my childhood survival skills were often triggered and I was less than approachable or reasonable. I feel like I tried, often, over and over again. But did I look at her through the lens of Jesus, or did I look at her through a self-serving lens?

I hang on to the promise that relationship transcends the grave and that, when it’s my turn to step through the doorway into eternity, she and I will experience the supernatural love that was well worth the wait. She and I will both look full into His wonderful face, and we’ll proclaim that He has saved the best for last because our new beginning has no ending but is eternal.

God did not see Mom’s faults. He saw His Son first, then Mom. Jesus was never offended by Mom’s inability to fully grab Him by the hand and live the life He had intended for her. He chose her first, called her His own, and loved her unconditionally. She accepted His offer to love her and that was all He needed. He scooped her up and carried her over the finish line.

NOW LIVE LOVED and THRIVE!

Self-reflection

These questions are in no way a substitute for healthcare professionals or any level of professional counseling. I’m an advocate for taking care of oneself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These questions reflect my heart, NOT my profession.

This questionnaire is an opportunity to journal your thoughts and feelings. It can serve as a launching pad on which to evaluate your heart condition as you understand it. My hope is that you will take the truths you discover about yourself and hold them up to the Light to evaluate them against who God says you are.

Is there anything your heart yearns to solve, restore, or get/give forgiveness for? If so, what is it?
What are your options in bringing this to a solution?
What are some of your behind-the-scenes situations that have impacted your life?
What sort of survival skills have you created that do not serve you well?
Is there someone you need to forgive? Why do you need to forgive him/her?
Do you need forgiveness? Is so, from who and why?

Use God’s word to take control over traumas in your life. Whenever you feel terrorized by your thoughts, take them captive by replacing them with the truth of God’s promises found in His word.

Print, then cut and carry this Scripture with you and/or post it in places where you will see it often. Ground yourself in God’s truths not Satan’s attacks. Encourage your heart and mind every time you are reminded of His great love for YOU!

Here is what God’s word says to encourage you and to give you an example of His unfailing, relentless, unending love for you:

“The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. Psalm 34:19 (NIV)

When you read God’s Word say to yourself:  My actions and ability to love will never define God. I cannot make Him more God and I cannot make Him less God. God’s grip on me never weakens. His love for me never changes. No. Matter. What. 

Now LIVE LOVED and THRIVE!