“My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Matthew 26:38 (NIV)
One of the sweetest times I spent with my children was at the end of the day when I put them to bed. If they hadn’t completely exhausted themselves, I used that time to listen to their viewpoint of the day. I especially loved to ask them to share three things they were thankful for. They would have gladly shared more than three, but I had to put a limit on it or they’d talk till dawn.
In the beginning they’d express thanks for things such as a specific toy or a friend who had visited. As they grew their responses changed to certain privileges they had been given or tasks they were proud of accomplishing. This prompt was my attempt to show them that, no matter the circumstance, there were things to be thankful for every day.
As I walk out the grief and confusion of unexpectedly losing my husband of 31 years, I myself am challenged to find things to be thankful for. This personal valley is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. There is no other experience in my life I can compare it to.
When things get tough, my natural reaction is to withdraw and get quiet. I need to put my feet on the ground and slow things down. I need to hear the still, quiet voice of my Father. But this particular time in my life is clouded with confusion and grief that is erratic and saturates my bones.
Even so, my heart seeks out glimpses of His light, His presence in the midst of loss. I give my focus to what has been or is being done vs focusing on what I don’t have or what is not being done.
These are a few things I’m thankful for …
- No one was responsible for my husband’s death. No one harmed him out of their own personal deprivation or irresponsibility or something as simple as an absent-minded mistake.
- He did not pass in our home. My heart could not have taken that added blow.
- I know the cause of death. I have the peace of having all the i’s dotted and the t’s crossed. It doesn’t make it any easier to accept his absence, but it does provide a layer of peace.
- Someone was immediately by his side. A young man who stopped was able to get to him. For a brief moment my husband knew someone was there.
- No one else was harmed when he had his heart attack. Even in the midst of his attack, he had the presence of mind to drive his truck into a field—missing the ditches—and was able to put it in park before losing consciousness. This also allowed medical help to access him.
There are many more tiny details that I see His hand in but I’ll share this last one. I am deeply touched with the personal gesture the Lord made to me. There are plenty of roads between where my husband left (telling me he didn’t feel good and was headed home) and our house, but he had his heart attack on Land of Promise Road. For me, it was God’s sweet gesture that my husband was indeed in the Land of Promise.
In the midst of my why, I’m comforted by thinking of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. Knowing He’d be crucified in a few days, Jesus cried out to His Father to take the cup from Him, but adding, Not My will, but Yours. Jesus received a no from Father God.
God’s will was for Jesus to go to the Cross. There was a bigger plan, a redemptive plan that only God had the power to achieve through His Son.
I, too, have received a no from Father God.
So in my no, I choose to believe there is a bigger purpose, something I’m not privy to, but something I trust God with because He has the power to redeem the pain and tragedies of this life. With Christ, what has been lost to me is alive with Him.
The day that my husband told me he was headed home to rest, I had no clue that he meant his eternal home. I don’t think he did either. But God knew.
The intimacy with which God created us and knows us is seen in His attentiveness towards us. He’s present when our eternal spirit gives our temporary bodies life and we draw our first breath. He’s present when those same spirits exit our declining bodies. And if, during our lifetime, we choose the God of the Holy Bible to spend eternity with, then He receives us into His arms when our allotted time is fulfilled.
Now LIVE LOVED and THRIVE!
These questions are in no way a substitute for healthcare professionals or any level of professional counseling. I’m an advocate for taking care of oneself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These questions reflect my heart, NOT my profession.
This questionnaire is an opportunity to journal your thoughts and feelings. It can serve as a launching pad on which to evaluate your heart condition as you understand it. My hope is that you will take what you discover and hold it up to the Light to evaluate it against who God says you are.
- Have you lost someone close to you? If so, who?
- How did his/her death make you feel?
- What is your biggest fear about death?
- Do you live with any regrets? If so, what are they?
- Do you know where you’re going if you died today?
- Have you acknowledged what Christ did on the cross and made it personal for you? In doing so you secure your eternal resting place. It’s as simple as A,B, C!
- A = Accept—Ask Jesus to come into your heart
B = Believe—Tell Jesus you believe that He died on the cross for you
C = Confess—Admit you have not lived a perfect life and that you need His forgiveness
Use God’s word to take control over traumas in your life. Whenever you feel terrorized by your thoughts, take them captive by replacing them with the truth of God’s promises found in His word.
Print, then cut and carry this Scripture with you and/or post it in places where you will see it often. Ground yourself in God’s truths not Satan’s attacks. Encourage your heart and mind every time you are reminded of His great love for YOU!
Here is what God’s word says to encourage you and to give you an example of His unfailing, relentless, unending love for you:
“My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
Matthew 26:38
Read this scripture and say to yourself: Jesus understands the bone saturating weight and crushing loneliness of grief. He is the God who has experienced and shares in your sufferings and devastation.
Now LIVE LOVED and THRIVE!
